writer
Breezy.
01.10.2020
Things are getting tougher day-by-day. I couldn't open the social media apps, reply to the 50 messages and call back the 12 missed calls I had for the past 3 days. These days, I even forget to talk to you Breezy. I know I can talk to you because you’d listen but no one else does, except Himani. These days I feel like my closest people are trying to kill me. I know it's a weird feeling but it feels true. I think I should try to sleep, barely sleeping for the past 1 week has made me more tired than I have ever been. I will talk to you later. Bye.
04.10.2020
Himani came home today, we talked for hours. I felt better than before but I found myself zoning out in between conversations to an extent that she found it annoying and concerning at the same time. Himani has a really good relationship with my parents, because I don’t think I do. I was eavesdropping on a conversation between her and my parents which seemed like it was about me. She sounded concerned. Now, I hate her for doing this, because my parents never seem to listen to me, but they listen to her. I don’t want to talk to her. And you know what, the weird feeling of death is getting stronger day-by-day. I am feeling scared. My sleep schedule is also getting worse with time, I haven’t slept in the past two days, not a wink of sleep. Still, thanks Breezy for listening to me. Bye.
06.10.2020
Today was my birthday, the day was a mix of emotions. Himani, her brother, my best friend Himadri came home and mom and dad planned a lot of things for me. I enjoyed it but for some reason I felt like an outsider at my own birthday party. I also felt that everyone was looking at me more intensely than they usually do. I am not sure if what I am saying makes sense but I felt like everyone was observing me and not enjoying the day like they should. It feels weird and scary. Anyway, for me it was a good day overall. Let's see what the upcoming days have for me.
10.10.2020
I slept in the afternoon today. I think all these days of sleeplessness had forced me to, right before I dozed off, I was thinking that I would sleep really well. Suddenly, I felt like my worst fear was coming true, and I was about to die when my chest felt heavy and everything was closing in. It felt different, like you know, it was not as if I was dying but as if somebody wanted to harm me. I immediately woke up from my sleep and called Himani. She knocked on my door within 15 minutes of the call. She came, caressed my face and I felt a sudden relief and I just couldn't control my feelings and problems anymore. I told her everything, from my messed up sleep schedule to all the hallucination and sensations I was having. Her face grew concerned, and she grabbed my hand and took me to mom and dad. As she was trying to relay the information to my parents, I felt dizzy. After that I remember waking up on my bed, Himani holding my hand, Himadri, mom and dad were sitting at the corner of the room, everyone had their hand supporting their face. As they saw me wake up, everyone came and kissed my forehead and went. But before Himani went, she kissed me and said, "You'll be fine", I don't know what she meant. But anyway, today's entry was long and my hand is already in pain while writing to you. I will talk to you later, thanks for listening to me as always Breezy. Bye
17.11.2020
Hey Breezy, first of all I am really sorry for not being able to write to you for the past one month. It was just yesterday that I finished 1 month of counseling. As per the doctor I had Major Depression which was the reason behind why I was having all those weird thoughts, sleepless nights and feeling left out even with all the lovely people around. I was given a different diary and I was told to write about my feelings like I do with you. I hope you forgive me.
Anyway, today was Himani's birthday, I enjoyed a hell of a lot with her. It was as if I was a fresh new version. It was as if, the death of a lonely person and the rejuvenation of a cheerful one. I enjoyed myself like never before. I am glad I could do this and have the patient and lovely people around me, and especially you. The one who would just listen to me and not judge me in any way. I love you Breezy and I always will. Thank you for always being with me.